Life Before Blogging

Here are a couple of updates I sent out before I moved into the world of the blog:

January 21, 2007

“You are about to cross through great waters.”

This is what the cookie tells me as I finish eating Chinese food from the plush accommodations of the Super 8 outside of St. Louis. I laughed to myself. Collin, Valerie, Khalil, and I had been driving through rain, snow, ice and fog for two days, and the rest of journey did not promise to be any drier.

Our final destination of Littleton, Colorado was still many miles away. My eagerness to arrive was only matched by my desire to never get there. Each mile we added to the odometer was one mile closer to the next three years of my life as a seminary student, something very unfamiliar.

After checking out of our roadside palace the fortune kept running through my head. “You are about to cross through great waters.” More than the weather, I realized I was ankle deep in my own River of Jordan. Where was I going, and why was I going there? There were the obvious answers, I was going to Denver Seminary to be a student, however it is the less obvious answers that I long to know.

Classes start this Monday and I still do not know where I am, or why I am here. Each day I battle my own self-doubt, “What are you doing here? This isn’t going to work, you can’t even begin to imagine what you are getting in to. You will never be able to read the million pages of assignments on your syllabi.”

I am comforted by one thing – those who have gone before me and laid the path. Joshua’s faith and obedience to God’s commands led the Israelites across the Jordan. I am certain that Joshua had doubts running through his head. He was asking people to walk into raging waters, who wouldn’t call him crazy? It was promised to him that he would know which way to go when he saw the covenant of the Lord, and it would be a path that was unrecognizable because he had never been on it before. Sure enough, the covenant passed straight through the middle of a river, and it was the exact way he and the Israelites were to go. The covenant went first, and the people followed on a very unconventional path.

I am striving to remember in this strange place that Christ has already come, the greatest covenant between God and man. He is pointing me on this path, although it is unfamiliar to me. He has promised me, as he did Joshua and the Israelites, that the Lord will do amazing things with me. He will plant my feet upon dry ground in the midst of these great waters.

After arriving in my apartment, and unpacking with the generous aid of my brother, sister and nephew I had to wade in the waters once again. Driving down C-470 towards the airport Collin tells me to relax, my furrowed brow was all he could see in the rear view mirror. I was not stressed though. Actually, I was fighting back tears, perhaps the greatest of all the waters that I had to cross in the past week.

When I got back to my room to attack more boxes I glanced down at the carpet and saw a small piece of paper. Unfolding it revealed these words, “Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in.” This fortune was yellowed with age, but came at the perfect time. It was the dry ground I needed to plant my feet on.

I continue to be in awe of the time and opportunities God takes to speak to me, and the ways that He does. Many times it is directly through His word, other times it is in the voice of friends or family members encouraging me, often it is in the silence when He whispers to my heart. Occasionally, it is in the strip of paper hidden inside a bland, stale fortune cookie.

It is because of what I believe in that I will struggle through these great waters that I have only begun to be submerged in. I know that there will be times that I feel like I am treading water, barely keeping my ahead above the depths. I am certain there will be times when I will be close to drowning from utter exhaustion. Most importantly, and greater than all of this, is the faith I have that there will always be dry ground for me to stand on, fall face first in to, or kneel on in praise and thanksgiving for the refuge and comfort provided from the One who has come before me.
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Chronicles of Natalie, Vol. 1 Issue 2
February 20, 2007

“One of the difficulties in Christian work is this question – “What do you expect to do?” You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing.” -Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Five weeks into this thing called seminary. I call it thing because I do not have any other word to describe it. It is a place, a type of education, but it is so much more than this. It is an experience all unto itself – unique in ways I could not have imagined. I have never worked so hard and been so challenged in all my life. The academics are intense. Daily reading, studying, and researching have made the library my second home. Occasionally, I leave class with a headache…I think it is my brain trying to keep up with my professors. (This specifically happens in my New Testament Theology class – it is three hours long, and I am pretty sure it is going to kill me.)

The first few weeks left me completely overwhelmed, but I was not alone in my condition. Looking around campus you could tell who the first semester students were – glazed eyes, heavy backpacks, and stiff necks from spending hours over books were clear indicators of our new student status.

Making new friends seemed almost an impossible task. No one had time to say more than a hello for fear that any time spent chatting would result in a poor quiz grade or the failure to answer a question from whichever professor might call on you in class. Perhaps worse, a fellow student would find out how completely scared you were, and unsure that you were in the right place.

When things get tough they tell you to take it a day at time. At seminary, you take it an hour at a time. Ask me at 11:00 am how I am doing and my response would be, “Great!” Ask me the same question at 12:00 pm and it was quite a different story. This rollercoaster of emotions continued for the first few weeks, and I was curious as to whether things would ever even out.

Lying on my back at night, trying so diligently to fall asleep, my eyes would begin to fill with tears, and I would confess, “Lord, I am not smart enough. What am I doing here? I can’t do this.” Back and forth I would discuss this with Him, and then finally I heard His reply.

“You are exactly where I want you to be – resting in the palm of my hand with nothing but the ability to rely on me. In your weakness, I will be strong. I have promised you that.”

So, that is where I am, five weeks into seminary. In the palm of His hands, and it is a good place to be. Here the rollercoaster evens out, and I am only overwhelmed by Him – His grace, His mercy, His love and His unceasing patience for me. I have no more fear about where I am or my ability to accomplish the task He has placed before me. He has got me, and I am humbly in wonder of it. The same one who crafted the majesty of the Rocky Mountains I see every day has taken the time to form me, know me better than I know myself, and put me in this place, in this time.

If nothing else, I know that God knows what He is doing. Amen to that.